I'll never be good enough
by Ruthyroo
Summary: What i think Brendan is feeling after tonight's E4 episode. Stendan.


**This is based on tonight E4 episode**

**I'll never be good enough :)**

Anne thinks that I should tell Steven everything but I'm so scared, how do I even begin to tell him? How do you throw something like that into conversation? "_Hey Steven the reason I'm such a freak is because when I was eight years old my Da sexually abused me"_ It takes a lot for me to open up, it's funny that I always end up talking to Anne, maybe it's because we're not so different. She puts on a face every day just as I do; she's feisty and is not afraid to go after what she wants…we are very similar creatures.

I bet even she didn't see that one coming. See everyone thinks that I'm just a psycho, but I have become this way through circumstance…through Seamus. That's why him coming back here has messed me up again, it's brought everything back, not that it really went away, but I was learning to live with it. Like I said to Anne it never goes away, not in your mind and when it's dark and most people are asleep, the ghosts of the past come back and haunt me. It keeps me awake.

She kind of made sense though. Maybe Steven would understand me so much more if I told him the truth. He knows about some of it, he knows that I used to get hit, but he doesn't know the extent. She is right, we have been through so much together and he loves me, if I can't be honest with him then there is no point in being together. I suppose I've always been ashamed of it before, I used anger to cover up my true feelings and at all times I tried to be the man Seamus wanted me to be.

No matter what he did to me, I still wanted him to be proud of me. It doesn't make any sense does it? Now though I just want him to crawl under the rock he came out from. I want him out of my life forever. It seems that my nightmare is far from over now he plans to stay around and if anyone can help me I know it'll be my beautiful Steven. He has given up so much for me; he's allowed me to be in his life again. I owe it to him to be honest.

I down a few more whisky's at the club call it Dutch courage, maybe it's just me, but things seem easier to say with a few inside ye. I battle with myself for a bit, kill more time, but I know I'm only delaying the inevitable and it's only a matter of time before I go to him. The walk over there seems to take forever and all I want to do is run away, but I've spent my life running and now that I've finally found him, I've found a reason to stop. As soppy as is sounds the only running I want to do now is straight into his arms.

I have overcome so much already by loving him; I know that his love can help me overcome this. I'm not the monster that everyone thinks I am, I'm just misunderstood in many ways. Steven is the only one who sees me for me. Before I know it I'm at the flat, nerves seem to have got the better of me and I shakily pull the keys from my pocket. I tell myself that I can do this and I use my key and open the door.

At first I don't believe what I'm hearing, I open the door a little more so that I can hear better, but not enough for Steven to notice me. Then I hear it again. He is telling Leah to lie to her mum, to say that they are all one big happy family with daddy Douglas. That if Amy knew about me that it would be very bad. We love each other, isn't that enough? I thought I was the one that hid things from people; it never occurred to me that Steven would one day do the same to me.

I don't know what to do at first, I even think about pretending that I didn't hear it, but I'm too hurt right now, he'd see the pain in my eyes. I was just about to tell him everything, I was going to share every last bit of me with him. I thought he loved me, I thought that we were going to have this normal but amazing relationship. No more lies. I slam the door shut, I know he will hear me and I'm glad, he should hear me after what I heard him say. Happiness just doesn't happen in my world.

I walk away from him, from the flat and my head feels like it's going to explode; I really don't know how much more I can take. I feel sick, like I used to feel with Seamus and all of a sudden I'm an eight year old boy again and I'm reciting my eight times table. It's always going to be like this for me isn't it? Every time I think my life is turning around, something happens to send me right back to the shit I came from. What did I ever do so wrong? Seamus used to say I asked for it, that I deserved it; maybe he was right all this time.

Steven has his reasons for not telling Amy I get that, but why didn't he discuss it with me? Does he find it that hard to talk to me? I'm never going to compare to daddy Douglas, he is everything that I'm not, more importantly Amy loves him. I try my best with Leah and Lucas, but even they deserve more. Seamus was right about me, I'll never be a decent human being and when it comes to Steven I'll always be second best in his eyes…I'll never be good enough.

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